Friday, January 06, 2006


Playoffs. I haven't posted about the Bengals that much, because there hasn't been that much to complain about. That might change Sunday. But, for now, we are in the playoffs for the first time in 15 years. In other words, the last time the Bengals were in the playoffs, the internet didn't even exist as something that everyday people could use, George Bush was President and I was 13 years old. It's been a long time coming.

Everyone in the Bengals organization deserves congratulations, with the exception of the Brown family. I do not forgive Mike Brown, and he and his ilk deserve nothing. Since he stole fifteen years of my football life, he will only be forgiven AFTER the Bengals are competitive for fifteen straight years. (We will allow one or two 7-9 or 8-8 seasons to be thrown into that mix, to make up for similar seasons the Bengals teased us with during the Dark Ages.)

Because I am the better person, I am also going to allow Mike Brown the opportunity to shave years off the fifteen year probationary period. First, a full five years will be removed if the Bengals ever win a Super Bowl. If the Bengals win consecutive Super Bowls, an additional two years will be removed (for a total of twelve years). [Note, this only applies to forgiving Mike Brown. Obviously, the Sports Guy's five year rule - i.e., that you cannot complain about your team within five years of winning a championship - would still apply.] These two are non-negotiable - if the Bengals win the allotted Super Bowls and are reasonably competitive for a few years, Mike Brown will be forgiven.

There are other opportunities to lower the probationary period, but they are more discretionary. One half of a year will be removed if the Bengals play in an AFC Championship game but lose. Two full years will be removed if the Bengals win an AFC Championship Game but lose the Super Bowl. However, these years will not be removed if the Bengals lose the Championship Game or Super Bowl in a way that (1) is extremely depressing and/or (2) can be directly tied to Mike Brown's cheapness. (Example: we lose the game because Carson Palmer gets hurt on a practice field that would have been in better condition but for the Bengals' cheapness.)

In general, years can be added at my discretion even if the Bengals are competitive if Mike Brown does anything cheap or miserly or Republican-like that makes rooting for the Bengals miserable (e.g., starts owning slaves). However, this rule does NOT apply if the Bengals win a Super Bowl or Bowls. In other words, Mike Brown can cheat, lie and screw people over all he wants IF it leads to a Bengals Super Bowl. However, if he does these things and the Bengals fall short, I can and will at my discretion add years to the probabtionary period.

Note that the entire clock can be reset if the Bengals flat out suck for a year (and it's not clear that they're just rebuilding for a year or suffered catastrophic injuries).

Also note that this is a long term probationary period. In no way am I suggesting that THIS YEAR'S Bengals team must or will win any playoff games. That is highly unlikely. I'm actually counting this as year two of just competitive football - the two 8-8 Marvin Lewis seasons shall count as one year. Therefore, at this rate, Mike Brown would be forgiven at the end of the 2018 NFL regular season.

Until then, Mike Brown Sucks. If it's Brown, flush it down. Mike Brown, Step Down.

I strongly suggest that all Bengals fans follow this advice.

Finally, go Bengals. WHO DEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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